Dark Moon Reflections: 2024

When caterpillars go into their cocoons to transform into butterflies, they aren't just rearranging parts. They liquify. They turn completely to goo and are remade into something new, something with wings... I had a goo year.

Scroll to the bottom for 2024 data and stats.

I started this year scuba diving on the Great Barrier Reef. I spent most of January in a tiny van with my partner driving around New Zealand (do NOT recommend after 7 previous months of travel with your partner; we hated each other by the end...). Then I went to the Atacama Dessert, the driest place on earth and had a grounding, spiritual experience. For the finale of my 9 months of world travel, I went to see one of my best friends in Brazil for Carnival. And then, in the last days of February, I came home.

Great Barrier Reef

I don't even think I knew what home was when I reentered the US. I immediately got a migraine. After months of being around Palestinian flags and "Free Gaza" signs all over the world, I was back in the belly of the beast. I was back in part to attend a dear friend and colleague's birth, and in part so that my partner could get the life-saving surgery they needed. March and April were a blur as I tried to integrate all that I had learned abroad while also re-launching my business. Always, every day, feeling the heartbreak of the genocide in Palestine.

March: First birth back

Thankfully, I was in training with Birthing From Within and the curriculum, Birth as a Heroic Journey, gave me an avenue to better understand my travels. In a call with mentor Maeve Sundstrom she said, "I hope that you are surrounded by those who are ready to receive the many gifts you bring back with you." I melted into tears. I had so many gifts and no way of sharing them; so few people in my life could witness what I had done. My sweet grandmother kept calling my 9 month trip a "vacation." People would oh & ah, "So glamorous!" I can assure you that while what I did was amazing some of the time (and I captured some great pictures), backpacking around the world is not a vacation. It is not glamorous. I sweat so much that I turned the water over in my body completely at least 12 times.

Me in New Zealand right after crying hysterically, about to do a cold plunge to try and get rid of a nasty cough; but the picture is cute tho

Travel takes you completely out of every day life. Going to so many different places, I felt I got a bird's eye view of the world. I saw what people value and eat and worship in many places all in quick succession. I experienced the kindness of strangers and collective culture where people truly do just want to help others. I saw firsthand how the globalization cat is truly out of the bag and there is no going back. When I returned, the food was too salty and not spicy enough. My relationship with my partner, KD, was altered forever after depending on each other for months, having only each other to talk to.

Making a pie for our 7th anniversary in honor of the pies we served at our wedding

Spring came, and with it, KD's top surgery. We delayed looking for an apartment to prioritize an earlier surgery date. Everything went so well. Witnessing my partner's euphoria in their body is one of the greatest honors of my life.

And. Being the caretaker for someone after surgery while also running a small business nearly killed me. If it were not for the support and excitement of my chosen family and my clients, I think I would have ended up in despair. I took two weeks from in-person work to care for my partner. I found that the weeks after those first 2 weeks were the hardest. We weren't back to "normal" but I was trying to operate as if we were. I built so much empathy for partners of pregnant people in that experience. The fear of something happening to someone you love, the loss of control. Preparing so many meals for the recovery period. Feeling pulled in multiple directions as I wanted to curl up with my partner but had to keep going, keep working. Two weeks was not long enough.

Post-surgery care: drain cleaning and tracking, pain meds

As soon as my partner was well enough, we started looking for apartments. I believe that the concept of a landlord is disgusting: profiting off of a basic human need... And we met some bullies, some entitled folks who acted like they were doing us a favor, and one homophobic jerk who ended our apartment tour when he found out we were a couple.

Thank all the gods I headed to a doula retreat at Burr Ridge Birth Center and met up with one of my favorite doulas, Emily Likins-Elhers. Her mom is a real estate agent and helped us find the spot we rented in Irving Park. The gift of community was something I deeply missed abroad and I felt so lucky to come home to such a strong one. I've been working to define community for myself and one big element is showing up even when it is hard. I'm so grateful to those who showed up for me during this tough year.

In 2020, I put all my stuff in storage "for a month." In 2024 I got it all back. What a fucking trip it was to see clothes from before I knew I was non-binary. To unpack journals and games and photos that I hadn't seen in years. To arrange furniture that felt huge in my Brooklyn studio in a 3 bedroom (everything looks like doll furniture now). To get so many beloved items back!

Everything I owned in 2020 fit into a POD

August was the busiest month I have had on record in my business. September wasn't that far behind. I never take "business," aka people trusting me with the honor of guiding them through birth, for granted. I am so thankful that 2024 was the year that my monthly client spots began to fill consistently.

Additionally, this fall my nibbling was born, and I got to be their doula. I'm not sure that I have words yet for that experience. The whole experience was joyful and chill right up until the last 10 minutes when his heart rate dropped and stayed down. Thankfully, my SIL had a calm, skilled doctor who led the room through some quick decisions. Let's hope he doesn't scare us like that again for a long time.

I became a Pippy!! <3

All this to say, it was a BIG FUCKING YEAR. I traveled for 2 months, returned to the US, doula-ed my partner through top surgery, kicked my business back into gear, found an apartment, got a 4 year old time capsule of my stuff delivered, weathered the election season, doula-ed my nephew into the world... I was in the GOO.

Why not have your postpartum meeting at the zoo?

When things are hard for a long time, its easy to question whether or not I'm on the right path. If I should just go for a 9-5 with health insurance and someone else worrying about keeping the lights on. For that reason, looking back at the year feels helpful. Honoring each birth - the buttery ones and the hard ones - feels necessary.

2024 Statistics

When I think back on the year, so many of my brightest moments are with my clients. I witnessed 33 souls come safely earthside this year, bringing my total birth count to 85. The humbling thrill of witnessing someone's first breath never gets old. Although I'm not a provider, I take great pride in the fact that my clients generally have a much lower than average unplanned cesarean rate.

Cesarean Rates

• U.S. Average: 32.3%

• IL Average: 31%

• WHO Recommendation: 10-15%

• My Overall Average: 11%

• My 2024 Average: 6%

I won't take all the credit, but I do believe that this number does reflect the skills that I have sharpened this year. I am better able to advise clients about where they might want to go to have their baby based on their preferences. I've grown in my ability to suggest positions based on the stage of labor and the station of the baby. I am so proud that I have an excellent track record of helping clients get their breech babies turned (6 this year alone!). I've also learned some soft skills: keeping up momentum during pushing, strategizing about energy in a long active labor, and taking more of a leadership role in the birth room. I just feel more confident.

Most common places that my clients gave birth:

• Birth Center of Chicago

• Prentice

• Evanston

Comfort Measures

• Hydrotherapy (shower or bath): 75%

• TENS: 54%

• Aromatherapy: 54%

• Epidural: 52%

Timing

• Shortest gestation: 36+4

• Longest gestation: 41+3

• Average gestation: 39+6

• Induction rate: 48%

• Shortest labor: 4:07

• Longest labor: 77:36

• Average labor: 23:30

Babies:

• Most common names: George (3), Adelaide (2), Ellis (2)

• Smallest baby: 6lb 3oz

• Biggest baby: 9lb 12oz

• Average baby size: 7lb 9oz

• Average APGAR at 1 min: 7

• Average APGAR at 5 min: 9

• 6/6 (100%) of breech babies turned head down

Classes

I absolutely love teaching adults and I taught a lot this year! I ran 6 Birthing From Within series (a 4 week class) and got my Birthing From Within Childbirth Educator Certification. I also taught 11 one-off classes: a mix of Comfort & Coping and Baby Wearing. Many of my clients opt into private classes and I taught 9 of those this year. The feedback I hear most often is that my classes are hands-on and filled with practice, and that is exactly what I want to hear!

In total, I served 87 families as an educator this year.

• Most attended class: Comfort & Coping

• Most sold out class: Birthing From Within.

Here, in December, I think I can feel my wings cracking into place. I think the goo is starting to solidify and take shape. A lesson I learned in travel, in my return, and over and over in birth: just when you think that you are out of the woods, here comes a big left turn and a whole new challenge.

Here's to facing all the left turns in 2025 together in community.